Blackadder: The Roman Years
by BizarrePineapple15
Summary: FROM THE AUTHOR OF BLACKADDER V. It is 209AD and Blackadder, Baldrick and Percinius Percanius are commissioned by Emperor Elagabalus of Rome to go to a far-away deserted island to locate 500kg of cobwebs. Will they survive?


**BizarrePineapple15 presents...**

**ROWAN ATKINSON**

**in**

**BLACKADDER: THE ROMAN YEARS**

**with**

**TONY ROBINSON**

**TIM McINNERNY**

**HUGH LAURIE**

* * *

Edmund Blackadder, a very highly respected Lord, was walking down the pristine yellow patterned corridors leading to the Emperor Elagabalus' throne room, while holding in his right hand a dead frog on a stick. He had been summoned by the Emperor, who was in his teen years and a complete pervert. He was also a bit on the pudgy side, but the reason Edmund hated him so much in particular was due to his eccentricity. Elagabalus was, no other way to say it, mad. And it was Elagabalus who had ordered Edmund Blackadder to arrive at his throne room with a dead frog, for a special mission.

Edmund reached the large yellow door and knocked on it.

"Enter," replied a voice distinctly belonging to Emperor Elagabalus.

Edmund entered a colossal throne room – yellow in colour, with the centrepiece being an elaborate golden throne with red fabric draped over its velvety seat. Large windows provided views of the bustling town below, and Elagabalus was gazing out of these windows at the town.

"Ah. Edmund Blackadder. I have called you here- oh hang on, can you give me the frog? Thanks for bringing it, old chum. I need it for a light afternoon snack".

"It is six o'clock in the morning, Emperor," replied Blackadder.

"Oh. Anyway, I have called you here because I need some amusement".

"There is a fun nightclub down the road, Emperor. I believe there are many strippers and prostitutes and single boys and girls who frequent it".

"No, I mean cobwebs!"

"Of course," replied Blackadder dryly.

"I need some more cobwebs to add to my collection. I think 500 kilograms should do it. And I have located a massive cobweb of that exact weight, to be found on only one island. It is known as Shaggy Panties".

"This island. Is it... real?" asked Blackadder.

"What do you mean?" asked Elagabalus.

"This island. Is it real?" he repeated.

"Is what real?"

"This island".

"What island?"

"The island you're sending us to".

"Oh _yes_! It's as real as the flaming beast in my underpants!" cried Elagabalus, thrusting forward his pelvis. "And that is whimpering! I'm a teenage pervert, Blackadder, and what I say... goes! 'Goes'. What a funny word. Reminds me of last night. It goes in, it goes out, in, out, in out, and..."

"Shake it all about, yes sir, but that's wholly inappropriate. So, I take it I am to travel to this island and retrieve the cobwebs?" "Yes. Um... nobody knows exactly _where _on this island the cobwebs are actually located, but I'm sure if you have a good scout around. Fail, and you die".

"Thank you, Emperor. If you don't mind, I will prepare for this preposterous journey and retire to my quarters to plan. If it is allowed, I would take my humble servants Baldrick and Percinius Percanius along with me. May I?"

"Of course you can, you little tyke!" cried Elagabalus, squeezing Blackadder's cheeks. "I'm going to take my clothes off now!"

Blackadder ran.

* * *

**LATER THAT DAY, IN BLACKADDER'S HOUSE,** he was sitting down at his dinner table with his two friends of sorts. The first was Percinus Percanius, and he was a dumb no-hoper who had as many brain cells as he had noses. The second one was Blackadder's humble servan,t Baldrick, with a tendency to eat dung and turnips, often mashed together. Even by the standards of Rome, this was utterly disgusting.

"Gentlemen, I thought we were uniting under a common cause. With Baldrick here, however, it is more like the common cold".

Baldrick himself looked out of the large window to see a massive crowd gathered outside, waiting for the departure of the brave Blackadder, all talking very loudly.

"The crowd is aroused!" he shouted.

"Oh god," responded Blackadder, "is it those inexpensive prostitutes then? Or is Lord Flasheartican working his charm?"

"No, I mean they're talking. Loudly, sir".

"Perhaps we should give each and every one of them a medal for their ingenuity?"

"What a perfect idea!" screeched Percinius. This earned him a slap from Blackadder.

"You utter pillock! Percinius, the only being on this planet incapable of decent human speech is Baldrick, and we already knew that! Not content with convincing the Emperor to act naked in naughty plays and dress as a woman when clothed, not happy with getting him hooked on eating bits of gold mixed in to his peas, you consider awarding medals to slimy peasants for gaining the power of speech!"

"The power of peach?" asked Percy.

"Oh _sod off_!" cried Blackadder in frustration. Percinius waited a moment.

"So what are we eating on our journey?" he asked.

"Baldrick, what are we eating?" inquired Blackadder.

"I thought cabbage," was his reply.

"You fully well know I don't eat like common peasant scum, Baldrick," replied Blackadder.

"Well I've been serving you horse willies for the past five years and you've never complained about _that_! You just remarked on how it was a funny shape for a parsnip!"

"Keep feeding me horse willy and I'll turn into you! Peeing everywhere just for the sake of it! We can't allow that to happen – get me some decent food. We may be gone for quite some time. And we can't let down the pervert in the Emperor's Palace, can we?"

"I thought that was Elagabalus," responded Percinius.

"You idiot! Elagabalus _is _the pervert!" cried Blackadder.

At that moment, Elagabalus himself entered.

"God this is shabby. Anyway, I've come down here to see how you're getting on".

"Yes, I can't imagine it was the alluring scent of Baldrick," replied Blackadder.

"So, off you go!" screamed Elagabalus excitedly.

* * *

"That didn't go well, did it?" asked Baldrick.

"Baldrick, you idiot! Of course it didn't!" cried Blackadder. "And do you know why? Yes, you do, Baldrick. Because you got us to the wrong island and we got marooned, didn't we? And then Percinius got pushed off the boat but then his head popped up and he said he was still alive and I said I was just getting my hopes up, wasn't I?"

"Yes, my lord".

"And I'm going to hit you now, aren't I?"

Baldrick gulped. "Yes, my lord".

* * *

**Starring**

**ROWAN ATKINSON as Edmund Blackadder**

**TONY ROBINSON as Baldrick**

**TIM McINNERNY as Percinius Percanius**

**HUGH LAURIE as Emperor Elagabalus**

* * *

**HISTORICAL CONTEXT: **Roman emperor Elagabalus ruled from 218-222 AD. He did once send one of his slaves to collect 500kg of cobwebs for him. The slaves failed. He had a bit of a thing for cobwebs, and had a large personal collection of them.

* * *

**Blackadder and Baldrick return to meet the 'lost' Stuart queen**

**Isabella and her friends, Lord Melchettus and Nursie, in...**

**BLACKADDER THE SIXTH**

**A new six-part series beginning in 2013, set in 1689**


End file.
